My New Ride

October 21st, 2023 | Car Talk

6.1 Minute Read

I bought an EV last week.

The cool thing about buying an EV is that you get to tell everyone that you bought an EV and then you have that smug little half-smirk on your face the whole time as they ask you all sorts of questions about how it drives and what kind of range it gets and how often you need to charge it and how long it takes to charge it and they'd be worried about needing to charge it and eventually your train of thought drifts off to all the paperwork you need to fill out now to qualify for all the governmental rebates and programs and stuff and before you realize it your foot is stomped all the way down, your little car going 85 mph and still picking up speed, the guy next to you, your coworker Dave who you don’t even like that much, he’s screaming like crazy and finally his screech pierces through your brain fog and your eyes refocus in front of you just in time to see the giant electrical transformer on the sidewalk that you’re barreling towards as the car has veered off the street and somehow, impossibly, the transformer and your car explode on impact and you and Dave the shitworker are instantly fucking vaporized, turned into little more than ash and energy and ozone and everything seems dark now but you’re lighter, you’re so weightless you can’t really describe the feeling, it’s like you’re drifting in an ocean of pitch black water and you aren’t sure how long you drift in that darkness but it’s longer than it should be, but then a bright hot flash instantly returns you back to the scene of the car crash, but you’re outside of it, you’re hovering above it and you can see your sweet new EV is a burnt out husk of a car sitting on the sidewalk cordoned off with police tape and you look down and see a sort of white electrical swirl below you and you try to yell out in fear but you don’t have a voice or a mouth or a body and the fear subsides to curiosity, and then with a cooler head you realize this swirling mass of electrical current is you, you’ve turned into some kind of super villain electric storm entity, flying there in the middle of the ‘burbs, and you don’t know how to explain it but you somehow exert yourself to shoot an arc of lightning at the husk of your EV and it fucking jolts out and makes this crazy loud humming pop noise when it hits it and holy shit, you can shoot electricity outta your fuckin’ eyeballs or whatever and even though you could theoretically become some kind of force of goodness in the world, you realize that it actually takes a lot of infrastructure and know-how to like find crimes that are actively happening at the moment and then go intercede against the bad guys, I mean imagine that, imagine just like leaving your home and being like "ah yeah I’m going to go find a crime and stop it," I mean, that’s just impossible; so you decide to go the total opposite direction and just become an absolute terror, you float over to Main Street and start zapping everyone you see, although it gets harder after the first person gets zapped because everyone starts screaming and running away but that just amps everything up and makes it somehow more fun for you in a kind of perverse way and you decide to go all in and you try to go and rob a bank but after you get into the bank no one really knows what is happening because again you don’t have a mouth of any kind to make words so you try to use electricity to burn a message in the wall but your electric handwriting is pretty bad and it just looks like a blob of nonsense and you start to get frustrated and decide "well, hey, I’m here, might as well fry some folks," but then you hear a booming voice behind you say something lame like "stop right there, evildoer!" and you turn around and holy shit it’s Captain CoffeeGhost, a barista who died and became a ghost and used his powers for good and he’s using some kind of weird ghost coffee ray on you and you don’t know what’s happening to you and everything feels far apart and everything is really really loud but it’s getting so loud that it’s somehow quiet and everything is so far, so very very far away and then you’re just gone, dissolved into the world, into the void, into nothing.

The other cool thing about buying an EV is that you no longer have to get oil changes. Pretty dope.

Thank you for reading.