No Happy Nonsense

Hard Truths About Life


December 9th, 2023 | Tough Love, Baby


10.5 Minute Read

Life is hard, everyone knows that. Even little kids, still naive and relatively perfect little orbs of hope not yet punctured and misshapen from the world understand that life is hard, but they understand it because they don't get to eat ice cream for dinner while watching paw patrol on tv while also playing paw patrol on dad's ipad. Sorry little man, life is hard.

I've collected and refined a few nuggets from the butt of my brain and I think they're near-universal truths from my observations. I'm going to share them here so everyone has the opportunity to understand the concepts and reflect on how shitty and stupid life is, and eventually go on vacation to Europe somewhere and pretend like you've changed and become a better person.

1. Everyone wants to be skinny but nobody wants to eat less food.

A lot of people make the mistake of trying to lose weight by exercising more and eating the same absolute garbo food, not realizing that it's far easier to simply change your diet to ingest less calories overall and let your body literally burn away all those fat and pudgy parts about yourself that you despise. I did this many years ago and I still despise lots of parts of myself, but that's a whole other thing.

2. Everyone wants to have money but nobody wants to save it.

I knew a guy I used to work with who spent $50 every week on lotto scratchers. He used to justify it by saying that if he hit a six-figure payout on them he'd still come out on top, and he enjoyed the dopamine hit from playing the games. He's dead now, and just as likely to hit that big payday.

3. Everyone wants to use the Amulet of Darlok, the Forsaken Wizard to have unlimited power but nobody wants go through the Unending Trials of the Tower to confront the Sage of the Tower and find out how to find Darlok in the Banished Realm and when the sage says you'll need a piece of Darlok, you and Quintius the Mage and Ryv the Thief all look at each with a look like "the fuck is this old demi-god dude talkin' about?" and then not more than 12 hours later y'all are at the cemetery, shovels in hand diggin' up an unmarked grave where the body of Darlok is currently rotting away and when you finally get to the plain pine box his corpse was slopped into, you open the lid and fucking gasp aloud because the box is empty, motherfucker that sage just tells everybody about this shit doesn't he, what the fuck man, and so the three of you start going to taverns across the Ten Towns and asking around if anyone has heard about any gravediggings lately and eventually you realize you've seen this one guy in a few taverns before and he's not just some drunk he's a hooded dude with a sword at his side and you look over at Quint and Ryv and then look at the hooded dude and y'all been vibing as a trio for a while now and they picked up what you were droppin' so you all stand up and walk over to the dude and he immediately flips the table and throws a dagger but Ryv that fuckin' maniac somehow catches it, blade first, like two fuckin' feet away from your chest and you see a single line of crimson start to slide down the blade but Ryv just smiles and throws the dagger right back and it hits the dude in the shoulder and Quintius casts some kind of bright as fuck light blast and everyone in the bar is blinded and the three of you grab the hooded dude and take him down into the cellar before anyone can recover and you punch him once in the stomach and Ryv pulls his hood down and it's fucking Barlowe! from the fucking King's court, why the fuck is Barlowe following us, and you ask him and he goes into this long story about how the King actually was the brother of Darlok from ages long ago and Darlok gave him unnaturally long life and the King has been working for centuries to find a way to pull Darlok out of the Banished Realm and the three of you are like one of a thousand different groups the King has hired for one part of a much larger puzzle to this whole thing and Barlowe just happened to be the guy who got stuck with following the three of you and he hates his life and he tries to drink Serum of Silence that he stashed away on him but Ryv snatches that shit outta his hand and smashes it on the ground and you're like "not today, Barlowe, we're going to need you" and he starts sobbing and Quint puts his arm on Barlowe's shoulder and he starts telling stories of when they studied in the Academy together and how cool Barlowe was and after a lil while the four of y'all go back up to the main floor of the tavern and order a fucking score of meads and just start hammering that shit down and start singing old Gnomish war songs and the terrible trio is now most definitely a foul foursome and y'all sleep in an open barn on the outskirts of town and the next day you make way back to the Highwind Castle and you sneak in by climbing the cliffs that the one side of the castle sits atop and you're like two stones below Ryv and you see him hop into the window and then immediately hear a scream and RYV FUCKING FALLS OUT THE WINDOW WITH A BOLT IN HIS CHEST HOLY SHIT RYV IS DEAD and you're looking down over your shoulder and you're frozen watching his body plummet into the water below and then you look up and see a guard with a crossbow leaning over the window and you jump off your foothold over to the right and grab the edge of the window and punch that fucker in the face and then scramble through the window and fall onto the floor and another guard aims at you and yells but then the fucking earth shatters in an electric explosion and your vision goes black and the next thing you know is you're awake and coughing and can only hear a muffled world around you and Quint is screaming at you that he blew the tower and it's time to go and Barlowe looks like he's about to puke up his own heart but he says he's ready and you run down the stairs and find the King's chamber and you go in and the king is already fucking dead and you see Darlok, the Forsaken Wizard standing there and he goes into this whole big thing about how he always hated his brother but he needed to use him or whatever and you don't even care, fucking Ryv is dead man fuck this shit and you run full-sprint right up to that old shit wizard and Quint throws a god damn fireball at that mother fucker and you are absolutely in the blast zone but it doesn't matter anymore and as the two of you get hit by the flames you use the small sword turned into a knife that Ryv gave you when you first met and slash the amulet off its chain and grab hold of that shit and as soon as you do time fucking stands still completely and you feel no pain at all and you realize you are now the most powerful person in existence and you are about to make this shitbird Darlok feel misery for all eternity.

This one happens a lot more often than most people anticipate, but just keep at it. My grandfather had to do this multiple times to win over my grandma back in the day.

4. Everyone wants to be cool but nobody wants to be ice cold.

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.


Filed Under: Fiction